The Sense of Self

(Spoiler Alert.)  This will be my last post on this topic, but I felt the need to process it more deeply.

At the beginning of Inside Out 2, Joy is busy sending any embarrassing moments, selfish decisions, or potentially bad memories to the back of Riley's mind, where they are walled off and eventually forgotten.  She carefully selects the very best memories to form Riley's belief system, planting them as seeds that come together to form a glowing flower representing Riley's sense of self...

With the sense of self cultivated by Joy, who ignores every selfish act and awkward or painful memory, Riley's repeated core belief becomes, "I'm a good person."

Enter Anxiety, arriving right on time at the onset of puberty.  Anxiety has her own plan to control things, beginning by throwing Riley's old sense of self to the very back of her mind so that Anxiety can create a new one.  (The illustration of out-of-control anxiety destroying our sense of self and messing up present relational connections in the hopes of building better ones was powerful.)

After Anxiety banishes the undervalued original emotions to the vault, a diminished Joy remarks, "Maybe this is what happens when you grow up - you feel less joy."   While that is certainly a possible choice, I am determined not to let it be my story!  Anxiety convinces Riley to work extra hard to earn her place within a new group of friends and a new soccer team, hustling for a sense of worthiness, stressing out, changing her appearance and musical tastes to fit in, etc.  All of these new belief-seeds form a more fragmented, unhealthy flower representing Riley's new sense of self...

With beliefs conditioned by Anxiety that push out joy and ignore existing positive connections, Riley's repeating core belief becomes, "I'm not good enough."

On a day where her performance feels really critical, Anxiety takes full control of the command center in her brain, landing Riley in a painful anxiety attack.  Anxiety works harder and harder but doesn't know how to stop the storm she's created, and Embarrassment and Sadness can't do much to stop it either.  (Side note: I love how they paired up Fear & Anxiety and Embarrassment & Sadness.)

Intentionally knocking down the massive wall she built up to keep negative memories at a distance, Joy rides in on an "avalanche" of all the memories Riley had been suppressing (along with Anger, Disgust, and Fear).  The poignancy of that whole metaphor is thick -- the visual of what happens when we really own all of our choices, emotions, and memories (the good, the bad, and the ugly) and allow EVERY part of our story to have its rightful place in our internal narrative is so powerful to me.  I feel like I have lived that out over the past few years, and it has reformed and strengthened my sense of self!!  (Also, the idea that all the things we've suppressed and hidden from would spring back up in a messy way during a panic attack is also spot on.  Well done, Pixar.)

As Riley is panicking and Anxiety is in a swirling chaotic storm that no one can stop, Joy bravely enters in and convinces Anxiety to let go of control.  "YOU don't get to decide what's best for Riley—you have to let her go!"  Anxiety, regretful and admitting that she only wanted to protect Riley, agrees.  And Joy slowly realizes that by suppressing all of the 'bad' memories, she was doing the very same thing.

At that point, the emotions work together to remove Riley's anxiety-ridden sense of self.  Then they also remove the original sense of self that was based on hollow joy and self-esteem.  Riley's belief that she was a good person was missing any nuance and wisdom, as she was suppressing hard emotions and painful memories and simply ignoring all evidence to the contrary.  Her sense of joy, resilience, and identity became much richer and deeper when they allowed those hard memories to have their rightful place in her mind and heart!

With years and layers of memory seeds floating around, a more vibrant, colorful, and beautifully complex sense of self emerges for Riley - one marked by several thoughtful core beliefs, deeper self-awareness, and better relationships on all sides. The climactic scene with Riley finally catching her breath and slowing down the panic attack while all of her emotions group hug this delicate, emerging sense of self in the effort to love and protect ALL OF HER is so powerful.  I definitely did not hold it together during that scene! lol

Those metaphors and visuals are incredibly helpful to me.

In my writing through the years, I have worked hard to become more vulnerable and honest, challenging myself to be brave and allowing myself the freedom to be human and to admit the areas where I'm struggling and falling short... while also celebrating all the beautiful things God is doing!  This blog has really helped me to cultivate a more steadfast, beautifully nuanced sense of self based on my past experiences, present reality, and future hopes.

At my core, I know my worth and value are secure in Christ and not subject to change or decay.  The scene with the emotional group-hug forming a canopy to love and protect the growing sense of self through a season of transition resonates deeply with me.  I need Jesus to help me through what lies ahead and what I'm already experiencing.

Unsolicited body commentary can still trigger anger, pain, and immature reactions within me, particularly when people connect my changing appearance to my relational value.  NOOOOOOOO.  I always appreciate sincere encouragement from people who care about my heart, and I welcome questions and compliments and real discussions.  But I will likely receive more of the triggering, condescending, unwanted quick comments over the next six months than I have had to endure for the past 15 years, and that gives me a deep, aching sense of dread, to quote David Rose.  I have a plethora of sincere support, and I fully understand that most people mean well and misspeak out of ignorance rather than malice, yet the damage can be real and lingering depending on how I interpret it (came back to add that ending - grateful to remember I have a choice here).  So I'm praying about this ahead of time and already have therapy goals with my new counselor for working on my reactions and having a plan in place for a better response.  I got into a legit mental spiral about all of this last night, and when I found myself in the old pattern of Googling options to move to another state, I recognized it as an unhealthy escape-route and stopped myself.  I took some deep breaths, moved my focus elsewhere, went to bed, and reminded myself to take this journey one day and one poorly-phrased comment at a time.  God's mercy is new every morning, and I needed the fresh dose of it today!  (And every day.)  His grace will always be sufficient, so I can keep moving forward with faith.  Yay, God!

Happy Friday, friends and fam!!

❤

P.S.  HERE is a 2015 post with what I learned from the first Inside Out movie... it was pivotal for me in overcoming depression by understanding the importance of being honest when I was in pain and not feigning happiness just to please others.  So thanks, Pixar!