Unshakeable

"I have set the Lord continually before me.
Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."
~Psalm 16:8

Kristin and I caught the new Twisters movie last night, and I couldn't resist taking a selfie in the theater's wind tunnel setup.  (I enjoyed the movie!  The action was predictably intense, and I've been a fan of Glen Powell since Top Gun: Maverick!)

The lead characters are storm chasers, and there's a scene where they're discussing a traumatic loss she is struggling to move on from.  He says, "You know, EF-1 or EF-5 -- it's not the size of the tornado or the speed that determines that.  The power we ascribe to it is based on damage, and we only know the full extent of it after the fact.  I'm really sorry for what happened, but how much more are you gonna let this thing take from you?"

This all resonated with me, as some old anxious-attachment patterns resurfaced recently.  It happened fast, and it took time for me to understand what triggered it.  Past wounds, shame, and fear all came swirling up with it, and feeling hypervigilant and guarded really drained my energy and focus.  I want to get better at catching that early, and I'm going to talk with Emily about it.  I know grief doesn't just evaporate, and the fear of losing people we love can be intense.  The EF-5 tornadoes in the movie felt like such a good match for the emotional intensity I'd been feeling.

I'm very grateful to be in healthier relationships that feel more stable and supportive now -- to have solid friends who notice when something is wrong and care enough to make a genuine effort to understand, communicate, and reassure me.  Even so, none of us can control death, and it was that fear that set things off for me this time.  I won't get into that more here, but it was a difficult week on the emotional scale.

As usual, John Eldredge had a well-timed word about the strengthening presence of God... so I am reminding myself that no matter what life brings, God will be with me, and I will never be abandoned.  I may not be articulating this well - I have lots of unfinished thoughts.  I'm a work in progress, and that's okay.  I am relational to the core, and I have truly exceptional friends and family, but my main source of security still cannot be rooted in their presence, and I needed the reminder this week.  To hold the gifts of God with a very open hand, and to point my highest hope, faith, and love toward Him and the coming kingdom!

I have set the Lord continually before me.
Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. ❤