Another long therapeutic writing post - get excited! lol
Lysa TerKeurst posted this today...
I had my 7th counseling session with Emily after work... it was hard, but it was good, and I am better for it.
Layered, complicated, and nonlinear are all words I don't adore. I so want the path of healing and growth and transformation to be sudden and exciting and permanent. (*And indeed it will be when we get to Heaven. Right now, we're in the "partial and incomplete" portion.)
While setting my goals for the final 30-day project sprint in Launch, I knew I needed to study for the NCE (4 hours this morning - go me)... and that I needed to brainstorm and work on future job ideas (in progress)... and at the last minute, I decided I should throw in a health goal, as well. Without thinking about it deeply, I decided "no sweets" would be a great idea since there are no major events or birthday parties I was picturing in September.
Set the goal, wrote about it and talked about it, and set myself up for a very predictable cycle.
Whenever I force myself into food deprivation and restriction, it's metaphorically like pulling back and creating tension on a rubber band... it will backfire - it will spring forward - it will result in binge eating and messy shame and secrecy patterns. Every. Single. Time.
The effect is actually exaggerated now because at all times I am unable to eat as much as I am used to and as much as my brain still desires... so that low-level sense of deprivation went into overdrive when I took away all sweets. The dumbest part of it is that there was no real reason for it. I threw myself out of balance by making things harder than they had to be.
After a mini-rant on my end, Emily encouraged me to be gentle with myself... that this needed to happen for me to see all of this more clearly... and that all feels true. I'm going to do my best to remember the rubber band thing moving forward - I'd like to stop the push/pull cycle, and it's very much up to me.
She also encouraged me to think about avoiding number goals and purely focus on cultivating balance and better health... which I KNOW in my heart is the better and wiser path forward, but I literally set four number goals in the post before this. *insert facepalm emoji* The messages of diet culture, the Blossom Support Group, the Blossom doctors/nutritionists, my friends, my family, holistic nutritionists, and intuitive eating counselors are all spinning together in my head and they are NOT all aligned. Intuitively and based on years of experience, I know what is best and wisest for me here... of course, it's countercultural and hard, but my support system is growing, and my hope is growing with it! ❤
I'm taking a deep breath right now and reminding myself to be gentle and have grace with myself like I would with friends. (Or better yet, like Jesus would with me.) He would notice and commend what I am doing right, and He would speak truth in love about where I need to grow and push forward. I am making more progress than I've given myself credit for, and we all need help sometimes. This has been a lot of change in a short time period, and my mind and body are playing catch up. Thanks to yet another uplifting talk with Chet and Karli, I signed up today for nutrition counseling with Rachel Benight, and I'm feeling hopeful and excited about that. I am determined to frame that as a wise mentor supporting my goals and strengthening me rather than someone in authority judging my behavior and creating extra pressure. Her less restrictive approach to nutrition feels like a step in the right direction, and I'm feeling more determined even as I'm in the process of writing this post that I am not going to let spiritual warfare convince me that I'm destined to struggle with this forevermore.
Giving myself a pep talk now... Asking for help is not weakness.
God is with me and for me here.
He is stronger than my shame and my pride and my resistance to change and the cumulative weight of all my past poor choices and failures.
He has not and will never give up on me.
I am actively moving toward a more fulfilling and purposeful job.
I have a supportive family and love spending time with them regularly.
I'm in a small group Bible study I feel excited about for the first time in years.
I'm continually learning and growing through books, podcasts, schoolwork, and time with Jesus.
I have been more vulnerable and deeply connected with my close friends than ever before this year.
In turn, I've been more vulnerable and honest and naturally built a stronger connection with Emily, my life coach, and Rachel, my soon-to-be nutrition counselor (filled out lots of paperwork today and erred on the side of oversharing). lol
There has been sincere confession and repentance for major sin, seeking healthy accountability, signing up for the Launch course, deciding to move forward with surgery, "dropping the sword" and being honest with people about that decision, speaking up for myself in friendships and setting better boundaries, pursuing God's best for my future, and seeking help and counsel when I have needed it... every bit of that has required courage.
Being tired is okay; giving up is not.
Not having it all together today is okay.
If I lose 10 or 15 pounds instead of 20 by November, it won't make me a failure.
Slow progress is still progress.
"Healing is layered and complicated."
But one layer at a time, Jesus is working with me.
And in me. And through me.
Head high, eyes forward - there are better things ahead!!
Doing my best to surrender and find healing and strength in Him day by day.
Praying you find healing and strength in Christ, as well!
❤ ❤ ❤
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