Stream of Consciousness

Happy Monday!

I started and then deleted four different posts last night.

My thoughts were fuzzzy, and I eventually decided to just go to bed and try again today.

I'm giving myself 15 minutes for some stream-of-consciousness style writing, starting now:

Late last week, I applied for a remote Affiliate Faculty teaching position with CCU.  I completed my video interview Saturday - a one-sided video where I read a question and had a minute or less to "prepare" before giving a 2-4 minute answer off the cuff.  Obviously nerve wracking, but I did much better than I would have one or two years ago.  So yay for personal growth and becoming a bit more confident and composed and better at articulating my beliefs!

Sunday was a down-and-back Tulsa trip with Kristin - lunch at Los Cabos, splitting a cookie at GACC, shoe shopping at Fleet Feet, and hanging out at Tate & Parker's Lemonade Stand.  We had a good talk on the drive down and back, and while I didn't find new shoes, I got some Body Glide, and they say that should help with the blisters.

As for the Wilson fam, I am continually impressed with the way they create and strengthen community... in our awesomesauce friend group and in their neighborhood... it's powerful and it matters and has a resounding ripple effect.  Tate wanted to try a lemonade stand, and they turned that idea into a community-building neighborhood event and a food drive for Christ for Humanity.  All the behind-the-scenes planning, cleaning, cooking, money, and creativity that comes before the hospitality, outreach, friendliness, connections, and willingness to open up their lives and home to others - it makes me feel continually grateful to be in their close circle, and it's impressive and inspiring to me.  (What I mean by that is it inspires me to use MY God-given gifts more actively and intentionally... because I think that's what Chet and Karli are both doing incredibly well there!)

Anyway, my natural gifts include encouraging others, cultivating close friendships, writing, and mentoring/teaching, so I believe applying for a teaching position was a solid step forward, and I'm glad I had the courage for that and doing the video interview.  I do genuinely believe God has good things in store for me - I'm just extra-tired from trying to figure out the next right step.  It's hard and overwhelming at times, and I desperately wish there was a crystal clear path marked out for me.  I went to Walgreens the other day and saw a shattered pregnancy test on the ground right where I had parked.  "There's definitely a story there," I thought to myself.  I looked closer and it was a negative test, which made me sad for whoever threw it out, and made me a little sad for myself and the broken dreams I've faced there...

Speaking of, my *current plan* (always subject to God changing it) is to reopen the matching process in December... paying the exorbitant fee to update my home study AGAIN then finding another potential embryo adoption match by January or February... and if God chooses to open that door (legally and medically and biologically), then I would love to try the embryo transfer around April.  I'm deeply and increasingly aware that that door may be closed for any number of reasons, and if it closes a third time, I will take that as a sign from God and take my name off their list for the Nightlight Adoptions program.  In the meantime, I am working on a writing sample and purpose statement in order to complete my doctoral program application with CCU this week.  That intense 3-year journey would begin next June, so I need to apply and keep that door open for it in case the adoption/pregnancy plan does not pan out.  If I were to actually start seriously dating someone, the embryo adoption plan would go out the window, particularly if he already had children.  If that's a no-go but God opens other doors and I were to move forward with the embryo plan and become pregnant, then reaching for a doctorate would be indefinitely postponed.  But I simultaneously have to plan and take action as if there's a high likelihood that my dream of starting a family will not magically (by God's grace and timing) come together within the next year, so I am working hard on the doctoral application and considering potential job ideas.  And in this moment, it all feels complicated and messy.

So I am staying openminded and actively looking for anyone with serious potential in the hot-mess online dating world (a mostly frustrating endeavor where I have to continually guard against over-personalizing things or feeling too rejected and unwanted)... I'm trying to live a well-rounded, balanced, strong, and healthy life I'm proud of that makes me feel worthy of a CCU job and a Godly husband and family (while also being okay and whole and complete without anything God doesn't see fit to give me)... I'm worrying about the aging effects of weight loss while hoping to continue losing steadily while wanting to avoid vanity and diet culture... I'm updating the resume and submitting several required documents to apply for the doctoral program while waiting to hear back on the CCU teaching application... I'm needing to find some sort of stable counseling job or push HARD to build up my own coaching business in 2025 and just feeling a bit unsure about what I would most enjoy and thrive in there... I"m studying for the upcoming CPCE and NCE (which I postponed so I could go to the OSU game this weekend)... occasionally looking at homes in the Tulsa area and internally debating when I should plan to move back... and of course, I have this week's school quizzes and homework + my BSF Revelation homework + training for the Half + the Launch sprint + work transcripts + finishing the three great books I've started! =)

(And that's my individual life, not getting into the stories concerning other people I care for and think about on a regular basis.)  So yeah, when I let myself really pull back and look at the whole picture, it makes sense that I feel a little tired and frazzled, a little hesitant and unsettled, and very grateful and hopeful simultaneously.  Even as I write this, I’m realizing there is an irrational, not-from-God inner pressure to master everything all at once - releasing myself from that now!

I'm a work in progress in so many areas - my food choices and friendships definitely included.  It's more challenging for me in chaotic seasons like this to make healthy choices.  But honestly, life is full of seasons like this - we rarely know the next step, and God rarely moves on our timeline or according to our expectations.  Every person I know could create a chaotic list like mine above - our thoughts can spiral in any direction, and it's up to us to bring them under the authority and protection of Christ!!!  I have to trust Him and not my own understanding... leaning on my faith, hope, and love.  My spiritual warfare epiphany from last week still stands - it is real, and the enemy loves to kick us while we're down (or overwhelmed).  I have to get back to the basics and pursue Jesus wholeheartedly... the Revelation study on Thursday was a powerful reminder for me there.  We can feel proud of ourselves and get credit for doing a lot of minor things right while we're really missing the central point of life, which is loving and honoring Jesus, and loving ourselves and others well!!

Okay, my 30 minutes are now up - I extended my writing time as I got going. lol

Here are a few pictures to go along with all that I've written above... calming myself down - I want to say I am truly thankful for the wonderful people, the big opportunities, and the natural strengths God has placed in my life... He is FAITHFUL, and I trust Him to mark out the right path that He has tailored and custom-made for ME ("run the race marked out for you") and to lead me through it step by step!

Love that quote!  My Enneagram 9 vice is sloth, so being engaged in life and taking right action is the virtue I most need to pursue.  I'm working on that - it's very challenging to know the right step sometimes, so I love to be reminded that any action is better than doing nothing, and that we can work with God and course correct along the way.  Hope your week is off to a great start, and I would appreciate your prayers for peace and wisdom and God opening the right doors as I KEEP MOVING FORWARD!!

❤ ❤ ❤

P.S.  100 Days until Christmas!! #getexcited

In addition to all the life goals listed above, my physical goal and hope is to lose 10 pounds by JEM's bday (10-7), 20 by the Disney trip with the Wilsons and Weatherfords (11-8), 30 by Christmas, and 40 by my 41st birthday... then mostly focus on health, intuitive eating, and maintenance!  Okay, I'm really done now. ❤