The Plans He Has for Me

Sometimes I play out conversations in my head, thinking of ways I might have responded differently or what I would say if a similar opportunity comes up later.  I've been thinking a lot about motherhood, circling through what I've already tried and the various options available now.

As a woman in my 40s considering intentionally stepping into the mom role, when I hear (or imagine) age-related comments, I tend to picture myself saying, "Oh, this was never Plan A - that ship sailed back in summer 2007.  This is more like Plan X, Y, or Z."  A thought that's somehow simultaneously self-pitying and prideful, feeling like I'm resiliently making the most of the discarded table scraps life has thrown me.  I feel like there's a root of bitterness quietly growing in the background that I am shining a light on and uprooting today.

In a fantastic sermon series about the life of King David, Steven Furtick quipped, "Maybe your plan B is God's plan A."  Out of context, I'd probably role my eyes at that line feeling cliché and hollow.  But he was talking about Samuel grieving over King Saul's disobedience, then God leading him to anoint David as their future king, although Jesse completely overlooked him and assumed each of his older sons were more qualified for that leadership role.  In human terms, David was an afterthought, out of the natural royal bloodline, a background character who was overlooked by his own family... a plan X, Y, or Z.  But God saw him and knew his heart and would not allow him to be sidelined or dismissed or forgotten.

I love David.  His emotional vulnerability and grief, his courage when he's defending the name of God, his love for writing, his insidious sin nature conflicting with his sincere desire to know God deeply, his confession and repentance for hidden sin, and of course, his devoted friendship with Jonathan all feel very relatable for me.

I would love to be a mom, a wife, an acclaimed author, a counselor, a financial success, a speaker/teacher, etc.  But most importantly, I want to be a woman after God's own heart.  If I get that last one right, other good things will naturally flow from it.  If I get everything else while missing God's heart, then nothing I accomplish will really matter in God's Kingdom.  

"Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you." ~Matthew 6:33

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope... If you look for Me wholeheartedly, you will find Me."  ~Jeremiah 29:11-13

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." ~Proverbs 19:21

"But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations." ~Psalm 33:11

I've been too focused on MY plans and trying to figure all of this out myself.  God's ways are higher than ours.  My plans have failed repeatedly - I've run into lots of closed doors and walls, and it makes stepping out again feel scarier.  There are pieces of my story I wish I could change, and I deeply wish I could see the entire course and the finish line from here.  Part of me feels overlooked and undervalued, like all the best men have been taken and all the best avenues have been closed - like motherhood is unlikely and all that is available for me now is Plan X, Y, and Z.  Still... thinking about David's story is really encouraging me this week.

"Maybe your plan B is God's plan A."

God is using that small comment to counter the negative patterns in my mind, encouraging me and lifting my perspective.  My age is really not an obstacle for Him.  He has marked out a race for me to run, and every turn that's been barricaded or blocked was not intended for me.  The detours and disappointments I have faced can still be used by God for my good and for His glory.  He has a specific plan for my life, and I have a unique role to play here.  And I do not have to figure it all out alone!  There is joy and beauty ahead, and His goodness and mercy are following me.  I am safe and seen and supported, and I will be okay.

Father God, I love You and I trust You!  I believe You are with me and for me, and I believe You are good.  I need Your grace and wisdom, and I need clarity on how to move forward.  Show me the best path, and strengthen my faith to walk in it.

In Jesus' name, Amen. ❤