Stay Tuned...

"For many if not all of us, the holidays also are incredibly slow and silent.  Like the world has both gone into hyperdrive and slo-mo, and we somehow are still standing in the same place.  We are not living the exact life we thought we would.  And there are times, maybe more profound this month than any other time of the year, when the quiet of our lives just sounds and feels like emptiness versus peace...

Advent season is all about waiting... the time the church talks the most about how to wait with expectancy and joy.  But the thing is, for many of us, Advent is just one of the seasons when we are waiting... For those of us hoping to be married for the first time or finding ourselves single again, hoping to be a parent -- waiting, waiting, waiting -- a season that is meant to be focused on waiting and getting our anticipation up can feel - I don't know, exhausting.  For those of us who have yearly, monthly, weekly, seasonally looped through the heartbreak of waiting well, and high hopes, and busted hopes, and closed hearts, and the courage that so many don't even understand - the courage to just be willing to hope again, "Stay Tuned" is going to hold a few meanings for us this Advent season.  We say stay tuned when we know a story isn't over, when we think an interesting part of the story is still coming.  I'm going to remind you over and over to stay tuned in your life.  Stay tuned in your story.  Stay tuned to what God might be saying and writing and doing, even through this Advent series." 
~Annie F. Downs

Could not have said that better, so I decided to quote her here.

(And to sign up for that Advent study at the last minute.)

In the midst of low-grade sadness, that short podcast reminded me to hope, to trust God, to do my best to stay tuned in to His heart and what He is doing.  I'm reminding myself even now that both Jesus and Paul did not have a traditional family, yet their lives were profoundly meaningful.  They impacted the world through their obedience to God, their spoken and written words, and the strength of their friendships and relationships.  Obviously, I don't know all of what God has in store for my future.  I feel tired of pushing for something He isn't granting, and I'm genuinely confused about what leap to take or where to dig in when I read quotes like the one pictured below (at this desk where I'm writing).  I'm fairly clear on what matters to me, but I cannot make certain things happen - God could, but He hasn't - and for whatever reason, I feel that more deeply today.

And even while others are facing harder things or dealing with painful news or spending this season in the hospital... my ambiguous grief matters too - my heart still matters to God, and yours does too, whatever big or small things you may be carrying today.  But rather than wallowing or worrying aimlessly, I'm going to pray and focus on connecting with God, who moves toward us when we seek Him and move toward Him.  So I'm going to work on what I can control... ie moving toward Him, making healthier food choices, breathing, regulating my chaotic emotions, taking steps toward building my future career, and remembering that my choices and words matter and have a ripple effect, for better or worse.

I've been looking at marathon training plans today, watching Brittany Runs a Marathon, and feeling inspired to put my best foot forward in training over the next 5 months.  It's a meaningful goal I can move toward one step at a time, and in the process, I will become healthier and stronger physically and mentally.

Waiting and wondering is messy and hard.  (For everyone, not just me).

God knows and He cares.  There is a lot of beauty and joy surrounding us, and hope is freaking resilient.  So I'm staying tuned for what God has in store, expecting good things and baby-stepping toward a more meaningful life.  And I'm reminding you that you are loved by God and He has good plans for your future.  So stay tuned!

❤❤❤