Today is January 6th, the Christian holiday of Epiphany that marks the official end of the Christmas season. Epiphany is defined as "the manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles [as represented by the three wise men]" and/or "a moment of sudden revelation or insight."
I had a counseling session with Emily tonight. It took a while for me to get there, but I had a personal epiphany moment of God-given insight on this official day of Epiphany, so that feels worth blogging about. (I'll do an NYC trip recap tomorrow, but that will take much longer to write.)
Twice in my life, my grandmother made a negative comment about me to someone else that I overheard, then it stuck with me and grew like an infection. In her defense, neither comment was intended for my ears. And to the credit of our clever spiritual enemy, that sense of secrecy added an extra layer of shame and made her words feel truer and sharper so that they created a much deeper cut.
*Praying God will help me to be more careful and thoughtful with my words.
He isn't kidding when He says "the tongue holds the power of life and death."
....That wasn't the epiphany - just something I've been thinking about lately.
Emily and I were discussing my future career path, and I mentioned looking into jobs here and not feeling sure about the idea of working with kids. She asked what was creating that sense of doubt for me, and I had a long rambling answer, during which I quickly mentioned that part of it stemmed from an offhand comment Babah made 20+ years ago telling someone I'm not good with kids. Emily's strong reaction and follow-up questions made it clear that she knew it was more important than I was letting on... which I appreciated.
She asked whether my desire to be a mom was present before that comment (yes) and whether I ever believed I was not good with kids before that (no)... and she said she could see it being a huge invisible barrier that's been holding me back internally, adding, "When you break through it and that barrier dissolves and disintegrates, I feel like you'll be unstoppable and motherhood is waiting for you."
Being the Marvel movie fan I am, I pictured a thick barrier wall and the Thanos-snap-style disintegration... and my mind went to this Captain Marvel scene (how could it not!?)
To be extra clear, I'm keeping this blog somewhat vague and brief, but I feel this profoundly. I don't know all that God has in store, and I'm not taking this as any sort of promise from Him that I'll become a mom. But I AM taking seriously the responsibility to heal and be free from labels that are not aligned with God's viewpoint and design for me. It matters, and it's time for those old labels to dissolve and disintegrate whilst I put on new labels and continue to grow in seeing myself in a brand new way. Here's to the power of reinvention, letting go of the old and actively putting on the new!!
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