Complete in Christ

“You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times.  For people will love only themselves and their money.  They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful.  They will consider nothing sacred.  They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control.  They will be cruel and hate what is good.  They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God.  They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly.  Stay away from people like that!  They are the kind who work their way into people’s homes and win the confidence of vulnerable women who are burdened with the guilt of sin and controlled by various desires.  (Such women are forever following new teachings, but they are never able to understand the truth.)"  ~2 Timothy 3:1-7

I haven’t talked about it often, but that last verse sometimes scares me.  The first time I heard it in a Bible study years ago, I remember feeling a deep, sinking discomfort, as if the words were aimed directly at me.  (Or maybe it was just the enemy whispering lies - it definitely felt more like shame/condemnation than Spirit-led conviction.)  Different translations describe these women as weak, gullible, silly, or weak-minded. They are “always studying, learning, and listening to anybody who will teach them, but never able to come to the full knowledge of the truth.”

“They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly.”
Other versions say:
—“Having a form of godliness but denying its power.”
— “They will hold to the outward form of our religion, but reject its real power.”

Always learning, but never arriving at the truth. Putting on a good show, yet continually giving in to sinful desires, living without the dynamic anointing of God.

Let it not be me, Jesus.

I want to walk in sincere repentance and integrity, embracing the acceptance, love, grace, wisdom, and fierce authority and power of God.

* * * * * * *

Several aspects of my life feel unfinished right now, and it’s easy to focus on what’s still undone instead of the good things currently unfolding.  Waiting can feel like being stuck, but unfinished means I’m still growing.  (And there’s a big difference between continually growing in faith and knowledge, moving toward deeper truth, vs. chasing new teachings and leaving myself open to deception.  Studying these verses a bit today actually brought more clarity and comfort.)

A series of cross-references led me to this passage, which I want to meditate on:

“And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow Him. Let your roots grow down into Him, and let your lives be built on Him.  Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.  Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world rather than from Christ.  For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body.  So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the Head over every ruler and authority.”  ~Colossians 2:6-10

This post is deep and a little scattered, but the firm reminder that I am COMPLETE in Christ was exactly what I needed in this season.

I recently talked with Emily about how much I long for acceptance, how it often feels just out of reach, like something I have to earn or maintain in relationships.  We talked about how that acceptance has to start from within, with loving myself and extending grace to others. #letthem  But honestly, it goes deeper than that...

It begins with abiding in Christ’s love and acceptance.  Leeeeaning into the truth that I am already complete — whole and enough — in Him.  Right here, today.  Not when I cross the finish line.  Not if/when I have the devoted love of a boyfriend or husband.  Not if/when a child calls me "Mom" for the first time.  Not if/when I earn a PhD, land a counseling job, publish a book, or achieve my ideal body weight.  Not through any certain platform, title, or role.

Yes, my life goals matter, but I don't want to feel like I'm grasping for people’s acceptance.  My inner strength and foundation must be centered in Christ.  (All other ground is sinking sand.)  I feel this right now, and I want to refocus my heart here.  Searching God's Word and seeking the direct voice of Jesus over any human teaching.  Being more rooted and grounded in His love and acceptance, believing down to my very core that I am “complete through my union with Christ, who is the Head over every ruler and authority.”

"YOU are enough, so I am enough."

❤ ❤ ❤

Fifteen Thousand

The Queen of Random Information here, letting you all know today is my 15,000th day on earth, which just popped up on the calendar reminder I set for myself a few years ago. lol  Hooray for Day 15,000!! ❤

I actually wrote a post for Day 10,000 (HERE) back in 2011.  It fell right in between our OKC road trip to celebrate Malori's birthday and me being the Maid of Honor at Rachael's wedding.  Needless to say, a lot has changed over time, and every season God gives us is a gift!  I appreciate that this falls on a relatively ordinary day, and I like the reminder that our days are numbered and Every Second Counts.  I could go on and on about it, but I'll spare you that.  I am very grateful for the people who have stayed the course with me, and I'm grateful for the daily grace of God, and I'm praying for a renewed sense of God-given hope, clarity, and purpose as I continue to move forward!!

"I figure life's a gift,
and I don't intend on wasting it.
You never know what hand you're gonna get dealt next.
You learn to take life as it comes at you,
to make each day count."
-Jack Dawson (Rest in Peace)

 

 Cheers! lol

45 days from now, I will run the OKC Memorial Marathon.  I'm pushing myself harder for these final 7 weeks of training - already feeling sore from that, but I'm excited about putting more heart into it!  I hope the same holds true for you in whatever goal you are pursuing in this season!!

Okay then, that's really all for this post.
I love you and believe in you, and Jesus does too!!

❤ ❤ ❤

Marathon Monday #10

Happy Marathon Monday, friends!  On Saturday, I got up at 7am to do a 14-mile run (you can always know I mean that as walk/slow jog) in the best weather that day had to offer.  It's about as proud of myself as I've ever felt, if I'm being honest... 

It had been a rough week for me - mind, body, soul, and spirit.  I was not feeling energetic or powerful or in the mood for a good run.  It was early and sleep sounded good.  14 miles felt intimidating - (13.1 is the longest I've done prior to that, and that's only been on official race days).  It was super foggy and dreary outside.  It was cold, and it rained a bit.  And by the end, I had 3 blisters on my right foot and two on my left (something that seems inevitable for me during longer runs).  BUT I pushed through, and I freaking did it!!!

I got a second wind in that final mile, and it made me feel more confident that I can really do the Full!  ...That I can push through any negativity and drama and find the grit and inner strength to keep moving forward, even when things feel hazy and unclear. #metaphorforlife #onestepatatime

It was just me and Jesus out there (and one or two other joggers or people walking dogs), so this was a faith-building jog, as well.  I listened to 3 Christian podcasts, finished a John Eldredge audiobook, then listened to worship songs for the last 3 miles... kudos to Peloton's Kirsten Ferguson for introducing me to this gem (HERE) - it got me smiling and jogging with victory hands during that final mile for sure! =)

❤

This is a very random spot for this, but I wanted to mention that my cousin Emily had her baby girl, Karsten Blaire, on January 29th!  Asher Kenneth has a precious little sister now - yay! ❤

I came home and took a hot bath, then felt as close to fainting as I've ever felt when I got out... yikes... that's the only time I've had critically low blood sugar on the CGM (after a long run + hot bath a few weekends back) so I'm guessing it was that again.  I will be more careful in how I time those moving forward.

That afternoon was Anthony's 13th birthday balloon release... the weather had gotten worse, and it was crazy cold outside, so we didn't stay quite as long as usual.

I'm grateful for Anthony's life and for the hope we have knowing he is in Heaven!

❤❤❤

Me and Kristin ❤

That night, Kate came by to see us!  We had a girls dinner at Santa Fe, followed by a snowy drive home.  It was really good to catch up with her - she was recently diagnosed with MS after a verrry challenging two years of misdiagnoses and medical issues, and she has handled that news with a lot of grace and faith, another solid example of grieving with hope.

On a lighter note, Mom and I had a delightful Cheesecake Factory brunch yesterday, and seeing this on the car parked in front of me made me happy - a fun farmer, as Rach put it.  Aww, memories of Rachael's burned CD collection. lol 

Living room Birthday Eve pic, 2024 and 2025.  I'm so grateful for progress.  And I'm grateful for the reminders this week that it is normal and valid and okay to grieve over hard things and loss while holding onto the vivid hope we have in Christ that truly anchors our soul for anything this life throws at us.  ❤

And to be very clear, I haven't lost anything new or tangible.  I am just feeling the ambiguous grief more deeply lately - I'm sure the birthday and the awareness of aging plays into that a bit - the growing sense that my life will never be what I wanted it to be here on earth.  (Which, on some level, is true for all of us.  Every good thing we experience here is partial and incomplete, and comparison is the thief of joy, and I understand all of that, and I'm allowed to feel things.)  I would love to feel seen and chosen by a really good and Godly man - thus far, I am striking out hard there.  I feel pity from some and judgment from others, but rarely sincere compassion or understanding for the level of loneliness and third-wheeling and unwanted-ness I've had to navigate as a single adult.  Parts of my story have been beautiful, but the rejection I've faced has been difficult, and the messages have been poisonous, and I'm sad that my 20s and 30s did not hold family building or being loved/seen/known/chosen in the way my heart really desired.  Maybe God still has that for me - maybe - but that shimmering hope feels as fragile as a soap bubble.  I would love to be a mother and build a family of my own and pass on some of what I've learned to my child or children - I find myself wondering more and more if I need to pass that on through books and teaching and fully surrender the motherhood dream.  I don't know (and I'm not exactly asking for opinions).  I need wisdom and guidance from God, and I probably need to fast and pray for that as I begin this new year of life.  I am doing my best to lean into God's goodness and mercy, to believe His promise that He has good plans to prosper me - that what the enemy intended for my destruction, God wants to use for good and for His glory.  I want to walk in His power and love and a clear, sound mind and not allow fear to hold me back - it's a theme I keep coming back to.  But I have felt discouraged and uncertain about the life and career path ahead of me right now - I know it hasn't been that long in the grand scheme of things, but in some areas, it has, and being in limbo about what lies ahead for me is very hard on my mind and soul (and makes it challenging not to feel apathetic/indifferent about every goal I've set), so I need God to strengthen my spirit and give me endurance and grace and wisdom for the road He sees clearly ahead of me where I only see the thick fog!!

Having said all that, the 14-mile jog this weekend felt like such a metaphor for all that I'm wrestling with internally.  It was hella foggy when I got out there that morning, and much brighter and clearer by the time I left.  I was feeling weak and tired in the beginning, and strong and proud in the end!  (And physically exhausted.)  It was cold outside the entire time, but I felt better as I warmed up internally.  I spent 14 miles feeding my soul encouragement and truth - and my mind, body, soul, and spirit felt better for it!  It was a strong reminder for me to be more intentional about what I am putting into my mind, body, soul, and spirit... to encourage myself in the Lord and to focus on what I want to see growing in my life.  "So even when it gets tough, I'm gonna keep my head up 'cause I feel like God has shined a light on me!"

And that concludes my halftime pep talk. ;-)

Ten weeks of marathon training down; ten weeks to go.

God is with me and for me.

I can do hard things.

BRING IT!

❤ ❤ ❤

Choosing Belonging

Okay, I legit need to complete three transcripts and I'm struggling to get out of holiday mode (eating all the things and procrastinating on all the work), so I've deleted FB and Instagram from my phone for at least the remainder of this week, and this will be the last blog post I write from work (started it yesterday and just need to finish and publish it this morning).

I went to see Mufasa with Rach and J&K at Flix yesterday afternoon - enjoyed the movie more than I expected, and it was fun times hanging out with the Parrish crew!! ❤

Saturday was Kyndal's volleyball tournament at UCO!  I chatted with Rach and laughed about her and Mom's intensity at all sporting events!  It makes me happy just to watch the team camaraderie, and I don't care deeply if they win or lose, outside of wanting K-Faith to enjoy it and do her best! lol

I believe this used to be a pile of snow in the corner of the parking lot at Lake Hefner... either way, the standing water is new, and it made me happy to see a couple ducks hopping in for a swim on Saturday afternoon! lol

In sad news, presh Ella "Bellsy" is now in Heaven... Friday night, David texted me that they had to put her to sleep after she injured her back and was partially paralyzed... sadness.  Sam-puffins is doing well and will be 12 in October.  They've moved to Texas, so it's been a while since I've seen the best girlfranz or heard from David, but I'm glad to know Sammich has other small dog friends to play with now, and I'm grateful Bellsy didn't suffer long.  She was the best girlfran and the sweetest Pom puppy, and I so look forward to seeing her smiley little fluffy self again in Heaven (along with Rylee and Reagan and Kelsey and more)!!

❤❤❤

10-24-2013 to 1-09-2025

Rest in Peace Ella Belle, aka "Bellsy"

❤❤❤

Just inserting something random that made me laugh! =)

Huzzah for snow days and these impressive snowmen by the Wilson fam!!

Katherine Claire living it up at Disneyland - Sarah said they had a great road trip, and she highly recommends a Disneyland visit!

My fav niece and nephew enjoying CHA's Spirit Week!!
(Kyn and Dylan as refs for Duo Day + J&K on Cowboy/Cowgirl Day)

Happy Birthday to Michelle today! ❤

This = a fun new headband holder from Mom - yay!  To be honest, I like what my headband collection says about me. lol  Chet calls this dynamic "visually loud," but I'm going with "sparkly and vibrant!" =) ❤

Shifting to a more difficult and important topic, a fellow CHA alumni and FB friend is on my heart today.  She has overcome several challenges and lived with resilient strength, so I've paid attention to her story.  She shared a beautiful, joyful post on January 1st about how she couldn't be more grateful for her relationships and felt like she had everything she'd ever dreamt of at her fingertips... only three days later, she was grieving her boyfriend's death by suicide.  I do not know him or his family, and I do not know her well at this stage of life.  Still, even seeing this from a distance had a sharp impact on me.  The juxtaposition of her New Year's Day post to the heartbroken tribute posts and an obituary encouraging donations to mental health foundations and suicide prevention... it's tragic in so many ways, and I'm praying for her and her boys and his family and everyone directly affected in the aftermath of his choice.

With that context in mind, I am reminding myself (and you) to choose life in big and small ways, to draw near to God, to engage and be present with others, to set and work toward goals that mean something to you, to dwell on the ways you belong and  how you can add value to the lives around you (rather than dwelling on how you don't fit in or don't really matter to others).  The enemy is always speaking, but so is Jesus, and we get to choose which voice we listen to and get to know and prioritize.

As someone who has struggled with the darkness of suicidal thoughts MANY years ago, and as a single woman who is very familiar with playing the third-wheel role and being included in other people's family dynamics and hanging out with older and/or younger generations, I have thought about all of this a lot.  The truth is, on any given day and in any group setting, you can dwell on how you don't really fit in and make yourself feel like the outcast or the odd man out... you can choose to withdraw and dissociate and disengage and isolate and feel invisible... OR you can intentionally choose belonging and decide to be seen, to contribute to the conversation, to be genuine and vibrant and joyful, to learn from others and add value, to believe you are wanted and loved by the people surrounding you.  Relationships matter, and YOU matter - your life, your story, your talents, your God-given gifts, your opinions and desires - they matter.  When other people aren't around, you can choose to feel alone or to connect with God and believe He is always present with you - there's a huge difference in how you will feel.  I want to be a beacon for choosing life and hope and light, for reaching out every time you need help!  Choose to notice the details, to care about others, to celebrate goodness wherever you see it.  You really can step up and speak up and choose to belong.  As God's children, none of us are ever fully "at home" outside of Heaven, and everyone wants good company for the journey until we get there!  Single or dating or married, you can always choose community and belonging, and it's worth it!!

Praying we all embrace the abundant love and support that's available for us, and intentionally love and support others in return!! ❤

Seeing this was a good reminder for me as I step back from the Tulsa-move plan and prayerfully wait on what God has planned for me next.  To be here now, fully present and alive and wholehearted.  (Annnnd getting back to work. lol)

This moment matters, and your choices matter.
❤❤❤

Guess Who?

"It is God who changes the times and the seasons;

He removes kings and raises up [establishes, appoints] other kings.

He gives wisdom to the wise

and knowledge to the discerning."

~Daniel 2:21

Happy Election Tuesday, friends and fam!  Based on the polls and the past several election cycles, I'm not at all sure that Americans will know who our next president will be by the end of the night.  Either way, I'm praying we use God-given wisdom and find centered peace in trusting His power, will, and timing for the major and minor events that shape our lives!

Personally, I'm finding real comfort, strength, and inspiration in the verse above and the entire book of Daniel!  His story highlights the value of personal integrity in the midst of national crisis, chaos, and loss.  Daniel and his friends made hard choices in the face of captivity and grief.  They chose to hold onto their faith and integrity rather than caving to peer pressure and blending into the powerful  new culture surrounding them.  There is global drama and change through the course of the book... where God literally deposes kings and appoints others, and through it all, Daniel stays close to Him and is promoted for his valuable, unmatched wisdom.  He sets himself apart through loyalty to God, and God is faithful to Daniel and his friends even as the nations around them repeatedly shift and crumble.  There are some clear parallels between ancient Babylon and modern-day America, and Daniel is an exceptional role model for God's people.  We can pray for God's blessing and peace on our nation, acknowledge the dangers of pride in our leaders, be unapologetically set apart from the surrounding culture through steadfast obedience to God, and live with faith and hope that are deeply rooted in God's greatness (and not in any way dependent on America's greatness).  I haven't done this perfectly by any means, but it's something to strive for!!

Okay, thanks for listening to my election day pep talk. lol  On the lighter side, my adorable niece made a homemade version of the Guess Who? game for us to play at family dinner last night... like, she cut the paper and drew these cards 3x, making up a name and state for each person.  She and I played several rounds and it was super fun... I adore her imagination and creativity!!

I'm tracking my fitness goals and sleep with my new Apple Watch, and even though I understand that 8 hours would technically be better, seeing 7-7-7 this morning made me very happy!! =)

I think that's all for today.  Let your words and thoughts be pleasing to God.  Stop any anxious thought spirals, and don't let election day steal your peace!

In case no one else tells you today, I'll remind you that I love you and believe in you, and that your heart matters.  I know we're all created differently, but in times of national confusion, it always helps me to zoom in (focusing on personal obedience and faith) and/or zoom way out (acknowledging God's overarching plan /Kingdom focus).  "It is God who changes the times and seasons."

May God bless America...

And may His will be done here on earth as it is in Heaven! ❤

Humility and Hope

John Eldredge sends a video by email every Friday morning.  Today, he talked about the coming elections - how they are consequential and contentious - and how God's people would do well to center our hearts in His care and pray the following verse...

I appreciated that reminder, so I wanted to share it with you.

I recently updated my FB cover photo to this verse where God encourages us to be still and remember that He is in control, and He will be honored and exalted.  No matter what happens next month, our ultimate HOPE is secure in Christ.  It's the safest place for our hearts.

As far as the coming election goes, I voted via absentee ballot a couple weeks ago.  I won't get into specific opinions here, but I am grateful for important conversations with wise friends, growing insight, a VP candidate I believe in, and feeling more peace and hope than I have in the past few election cycles.  (Ironically, trusting God is often easier for me in massive, globally-important matters than it is in personal matters.)

Praying for God's people to take sin seriously and repent and seek Him wholeheartedly, which is what He very clearly asks us to do in order to receive His healing in our nation (2 Chronicles 7:14).  God knows all hearts, and He will not be blaming those who are lost or holding them accountable for national corruption and failure.  Also praying for the personal wisdom not to engage in foolish arguments that go nowhere, and that I would feel more resilient and supported and heard and less isolated and defensive and dismissed than I have in past years.

Another good reminder:

I fully understand how exhausting, divisive, and triggering political conversations can be... often getting into vitriol, belittling, bullying, and dehumanizing the opposing side.  It's never okay.  As Christians, let's strive to remember that people spanning the wide range of the political spectrum matter to God, are created in His image with inherent dignity, worth, and value, and have valid concerns and a personal background that informs their unique political views and opinions.  Word choices matter.  Character matters - (in our leaders, but also in our personal lives).  And respect and humility go a verrry long way.

So wherever you may stand on that spectrum, I love you and believe in you, and God does too.  Praying for His will to be done here on earth as it is in Heaven!

❤ ❤ ❤

Perfect Love

 

Loving this song lately... a man coming out of depression and really enjoying a good relationship, and at the same time feeling terrified that God will take it away.  Relatable for anyone who knows deep loss...

"And I thank God every day for the girl He sent my way,

But I know the things He gives me, He can take away...

There's no man as terrified as the man who stands to lose you."

(All of my posts today go together.  I just figured breaking it up would be preferable to writing the world's longest blog post.)  As I listened to this song and as I watched Nobody Wants This, I found myself thinking about God's love versus human love, and how often we make the wrong choice and prioritize the wrong thing, begging for people who don't love us to stay while ignoring/minimizing the value of God's faithful love and presence.  How we often see romantic love as a grand prize and view God as the means to an end rather than our First Love or our heart's real home and refuge.  It's tragic when you step back and see it clearly.

True safety and security and belonging are rooted in Christ.  We belong to Him and with Him, and we are safe in His protective strength.  We cannot ever lose Him, and nothing can separate us from His love.  That is not a small thing.  It's honestly the deepest desire of our heart - to be fully seen and fully known and fully loved - we struggle to grasp the reality of it with God, but I want to seek deeper understanding there.  We will never get that level of love and depth of connection in a perfect way from another flawed human being - "the world offers only a craving..."  We have to stop putting people on pedestals they can't live up to, and we have to stop viewing God as manipulative or careless in how He treats our hearts.  He LOVES us personally, and when He takes someone or something away, He does it on purpose, with purpose, and for a purpose.  It is not cruel or random or meaningless.  All things work together for our good and His glory when we love Him and are called.  Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.  But He understands our pain and heals our hearts, and He wants us to have and enjoy beautiful things.  He plans to give us a future and a hope as we surrender to His will and timing.  I've been struggling to trust Him and see this clearly lately, so I'm reminding myself right now to hold on to what I already know to be true.  He is good and faithful and with me and for me, and His ways are higher than mine.

When we love Him more than any other person or thing, that is the perfect love that casts out fear.  We cannot lose Jesus; we CAN lose everyone and everything else we love here on earth.  Thinking about relational loss always feels scary, but let's root our wandering thoughts in what we know to be true about God's goodness and love for us, and His deep love for the people we care about.  Perfect love (resting our hearts in the love and goodness and power of God) drives out fear.  That makes so much sense to me in this context.  Our hope and strength and security are in Jesus, and nothing will separate us from His love.  He knows what is best for us in every season (even the harsh winters and the pruning seasons).  We are being refined, not brutally punished - the heart behind it is love, not anger or disappointment or indifference.  Perfect love drives out fear - we can trust Him.  God wants us in good, healthy relationships, but we need to remember that He alone is worthy of our heart's greatest love and deepest trust. ❤

Okay then.  Thanks for being here.  That's really all for today, friends and fam!

The Plans He Has for Me

Sometimes I play out conversations in my head, thinking of ways I might have responded differently or what I would say if a similar opportunity comes up later.  I've been thinking a lot about motherhood, circling through what I've already tried and the various options available now.

As a woman in my 40s considering intentionally stepping into the mom role, when I hear (or imagine) age-related comments, I tend to picture myself saying, "Oh, this was never Plan A - that ship sailed back in summer 2007.  This is more like Plan X, Y, or Z."  A thought that's somehow simultaneously self-pitying and prideful, feeling like I'm resiliently making the most of the discarded table scraps life has thrown me.  I feel like there's a root of bitterness quietly growing in the background that I am shining a light on and uprooting today.

In a fantastic sermon series about the life of King David, Steven Furtick quipped, "Maybe your plan B is God's plan A."  Out of context, I'd probably role my eyes at that line feeling cliché and hollow.  But he was talking about Samuel grieving over King Saul's disobedience, then God leading him to anoint David as their future king, although Jesse completely overlooked him and assumed each of his older sons were more qualified for that leadership role.  In human terms, David was an afterthought, out of the natural royal bloodline, a background character who was overlooked by his own family... a plan X, Y, or Z.  But God saw him and knew his heart and would not allow him to be sidelined or dismissed or forgotten.

I love David.  His emotional vulnerability and grief, his courage when he's defending the name of God, his love for writing, his insidious sin nature conflicting with his sincere desire to know God deeply, his confession and repentance for hidden sin, and of course, his devoted friendship with Jonathan all feel very relatable for me.

I would love to be a mom, a wife, an acclaimed author, a counselor, a financial success, a speaker/teacher, etc.  But most importantly, I want to be a woman after God's own heart.  If I get that last one right, other good things will naturally flow from it.  If I get everything else while missing God's heart, then nothing I accomplish will really matter in God's Kingdom.  

"Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you." ~Matthew 6:33

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope... If you look for Me wholeheartedly, you will find Me."  ~Jeremiah 29:11-13

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." ~Proverbs 19:21

"But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations." ~Psalm 33:11

I've been too focused on MY plans and trying to figure all of this out myself.  God's ways are higher than ours.  My plans have failed repeatedly - I've run into lots of closed doors and walls, and it makes stepping out again feel scarier.  There are pieces of my story I wish I could change, and I deeply wish I could see the entire course and the finish line from here.  Part of me feels overlooked and undervalued, like all the best men have been taken and all the best avenues have been closed - like motherhood is unlikely and all that is available for me now is Plan X, Y, and Z.  Still... thinking about David's story is really encouraging me this week.

"Maybe your plan B is God's plan A."

God is using that small comment to counter the negative patterns in my mind, encouraging me and lifting my perspective.  My age is really not an obstacle for Him.  He has marked out a race for me to run, and every turn that's been barricaded or blocked was not intended for me.  The detours and disappointments I have faced can still be used by God for my good and for His glory.  He has a specific plan for my life, and I have a unique role to play here.  And I do not have to figure it all out alone!  There is joy and beauty ahead, and His goodness and mercy are following me.  I am safe and seen and supported, and I will be okay.

Father God, I love You and I trust You!  I believe You are with me and for me, and I believe You are good.  I need Your grace and wisdom, and I need clarity on how to move forward.  Show me the best path, and strengthen my faith to walk in it.

In Jesus' name, Amen. ❤

The Longer Version

Hey, friends!

What a beautiful week with great weather outside.  Yaaaaay, Fall!

I was being pulled toward a depression spiral last month, but I rejected that party invite, and October is already off to a much better start!  At this very moment, I am caught up on transcripts, caught up on school work, caught up on scrapbooking, and caught up on BSF homework.  That's a rarity, and I know it won't last long, but I love feeling on top of things - like I've totally cleared the to-do list!

I am covering the phones and the office today, then I'm off work and get to sleep in before my appointments tomorrow.  Huzzah!

Here's a random pic from my lovely lunch walk today.  And the Thankful Thursday pic was from yesterday's walk. lol  I kept that post short, but now that I'm caught up on all the things, I'm slowing down to write a bit more.

In a good way, I was caught off guard seeing my reflection in a random store window today - on so many walks last year, I would look at my (larger) reflection and pep talk myself about how the window might be distorting things and how I would totally be in a smaller size soon.  Today, I am down 70 pounds from where I was on my 40th birthday... which feels a bit surreal.  Today, I'm on a good health trajectory, and I'm so thankful to have more energy and to be regaining my strength and peace.  I'm also thankful that my reflection is starting to feel more aligned with how I've always felt inside and how I've viewed myself and desired to look - I'm deeply aware it will always be partial and incomplete before heaven, but we're getting closer (and now I'm singing Christina's Reflection in my head - lol).  And I fully acknowledge that I would not be here without the help of the surgery, so I'm just really thankful for all the things that lined up to make that happen!!  If I'd signed up for the Oklahoma clinic, I would still have a month or so to wait in line before having my surgery... and I would almost undoubtedly have talked myself out of it by now.  Grateful for God's timing and opening of doors!

In other news, I'm loving my very cozy loungewear/PJs from Target (thanks to the Big Boo Podcast) - I spent most of my weekend  in this casual vibe just scrapbooking and listening to audiobooks. =)

(Speaking of, this was another fun one from Clare Pooley, but The Authenticity Project is still my favorite!)

Without getting into political opinions here, I watched the Vice Presidential debates on Tuesday, and it was incredibly refreshing to see two opposing politicians having a respectful, professional, civil debate.  So I'm thankful for that glimmer of hope!

Mom and Dad got their silver bathroom tile redone (the original tile was turning orange for reasons unknown) -- but yay, the new tile is really pretty and classy!

This verse was part of the BSF homework... it hit me in the face as if I'd never read it before (which I know I have).  God reminding us that Scriptural prophecy is "completely reliable," then SO DIRECTLY saying, "you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place..."  because it did not come from human will, but was carried by the Holy Spirit.  I *LOVE* that.

I also love that they keep pointing out that Revelation is "a treasure trove of HOPE," drawing our attention to the victory, restoration, and renewal we are promised by our God whose word is completely reliable.  It's the hope that anchors our souls and strengthens us to be faithful and endure all the chaos and hardship that comes between now and then - I'm grateful to be studying it and trying to really soak it in!

Chet called me out with this meme, which feels very ME! lol

I said I would ask for a group pic (and promptly created this ridiculousness with the Canva app). lol

For real, though, what an absolutely freeing GIFT to know that Heaven awaits us - I love thinking about what life will be like there... basically the whole and complete and unending version of all the VERY BEST things we've ever experienced here! ❤❤

My new scrapbook arrived last night - even though I'd just seen it online, it made my day to see the printed pages in person - always fun!  This three-year season involved SO MUCH questioning, prayer, wrestling, and change - a lot of memories written on my heart.  I may be paraphrasing, but Chet recently said he would have me go through what we lovingly call the "Malori 2.0" season again (meaning he would not remove that painful narrative from my story) because it led to so much inner growth and positive change.  I'm always grateful when others see and affirm that, and I love it when I can look back at something that felt hard and like hopes being crushed... and truly see how God's plan was higher and better than mine.  (Which it always is - I just don't always see it this clearly).  There was also the very memorable pandemic year and hundreds of fun photos and events worth preserving! ❤

Speaking of memories, here is this double-stroller gem from 10 years ago today!
Babies... CUTENESS!!

Also on my mind today: one year ago (10-3-23) was my first time leading a counseling session.  Another vivid memory that's written on my heart and that I cannot share much about here!  I'll just say I'm very grateful for that initial experience and for growing in my counseling skills and my walk with God over the past year.  He's been good and kind and faithful in opening the right doors and closing the wrong ones, and I'm reminding myself of that every time I feel worried/confused about the path ahead!

Finally, 90 days from today will be January 1, 2025!  I wrote about my 4th Quarter Focus earlier this week.  Aligned with that, the two *daily* goals I am setting for the next 90 days are 30-minutes of daily cardio (walking/riding/etc. - it can be broken up as needed) and 5 minutes of Scripture meditation - (choosing one verse or passage per day and really sitting with it and meditating on it - eyes closed, focused thinking and prayer - starting with the prophecy verse above).  Both goals feel doable and very worth doing!  I don't have a daily career-focused goal, but I believe healthier choices and staying close to God will help me with direction and mindset there!

Alrighty then.  Happy Mean Girls Day (which now makes me think of Babah and her Veraden friends).  And in case no one else tells you today, here's a friendly reminder that I love you and believe in you, and that you would do well to pay attention to God's future prophecies and promises, "as to a light shining in a dark place!"  Seriously, yay for BSF tonight - and what a phenomenal verse of hope for people living in dark times!

❤ ❤ ❤