Happy Marathon Monday, friends! On Saturday, I got up at 7am to do a 14-mile run (you can always know I mean that as walk/slow jog) in the best weather that day had to offer. It's about as proud of myself as I've ever felt, if I'm being honest...
It had been a rough week for me - mind, body, soul, and spirit. I was not feeling energetic or powerful or in the mood for a good run. It was early and sleep sounded good. 14 miles felt intimidating - (13.1 is the longest I've done prior to that, and that's only been on official race days). It was super foggy and dreary outside. It was cold, and it rained a bit. And by the end, I had 3 blisters on my right foot and two on my left (something that seems inevitable for me during longer runs). BUT I pushed through, and I freaking did it!!!
I got a second wind in that final mile, and it made me feel more confident that I can really do the Full! ...That I can push through any negativity and drama and find the grit and inner strength to keep moving forward, even when things feel hazy and unclear. #metaphorforlife #onestepatatime
It was just me and Jesus out there (and one or two other joggers or people walking dogs), so this was a faith-building jog, as well. I listened to 3 Christian podcasts, finished a John Eldredge audiobook, then listened to worship songs for the last 3 miles... kudos to Peloton's Kirsten Ferguson for introducing me to this gem (HERE) - it got me smiling and jogging with victory hands during that final mile for sure! =)
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This is a very random spot for this, but I wanted to mention that my cousin Emily had her baby girl, Karsten Blaire, on January 29th! Asher Kenneth has a precious little sister now - yay! ❤
I came home and took a hot bath, then felt as close to fainting as I've ever felt when I got out... yikes... that's the only time I've had critically low blood sugar on the CGM (after a long run + hot bath a few weekends back) so I'm guessing it was that again. I will be more careful in how I time those moving forward.
That afternoon was Anthony's 13th birthday balloon release... the weather had gotten worse, and it was crazy cold outside, so we didn't stay quite as long as usual.
I'm grateful for Anthony's life and for the hope we have knowing he is in Heaven!
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Me and Kristin ❤
That night, Kate came by to see us! We had a girls dinner at Santa Fe, followed by a snowy drive home. It was really good to catch up with her - she was recently diagnosed with MS after a verrry challenging two years of misdiagnoses and medical issues, and she has handled that news with a lot of grace and faith, another solid example of grieving with hope.
On a lighter note, Mom and I had a delightful Cheesecake Factory brunch yesterday, and seeing this on the car parked in front of me made me happy - a fun farmer, as Rach put it. Aww, memories of Rachael's burned CD collection. lol
Living room Birthday Eve pic, 2024 and 2025. I'm so grateful for progress. And I'm grateful for the reminders this week that it is normal and valid and okay to grieve over hard things and loss while holding onto the vivid hope we have in Christ that truly anchors our soul for anything this life throws at us. ❤
And to be very clear, I haven't lost anything new or tangible. I am just feeling the ambiguous grief more deeply lately - I'm sure the birthday and the awareness of aging plays into that a bit - the growing sense that my life will never be what I wanted it to be here on earth. (Which, on some level, is true for all of us. Every good thing we experience here is partial and incomplete, and comparison is the thief of joy, and I understand all of that, and I'm allowed to feel things.) I would love to feel seen and chosen by a really good and Godly man - thus far, I am striking out hard there. I feel pity from some and judgment from others, but rarely sincere compassion or understanding for the level of loneliness and third-wheeling and unwanted-ness I've had to navigate as a single adult. Parts of my story have been beautiful, but the rejection I've faced has been difficult, and the messages have been poisonous, and I'm sad that my 20s and 30s did not hold family building or being loved/seen/known/chosen in the way my heart really desired. Maybe God still has that for me - maybe - but that shimmering hope feels as fragile as a soap bubble. I would love to be a mother and build a family of my own and pass on some of what I've learned to my child or children - I find myself wondering more and more if I need to pass that on through books and teaching and fully surrender the motherhood dream. I don't know (and I'm not exactly asking for opinions). I need wisdom and guidance from God, and I probably need to fast and pray for that as I begin this new year of life. I am doing my best to lean into God's goodness and mercy, to believe His promise that He has good plans to prosper me - that what the enemy intended for my destruction, God wants to use for good and for His glory. I want to walk in His power and love and a clear, sound mind and not allow fear to hold me back - it's a theme I keep coming back to. But I have felt discouraged and uncertain about the life and career path ahead of me right now - I know it hasn't been that long in the grand scheme of things, but in some areas, it has, and being in limbo about what lies ahead for me is very hard on my mind and soul (and makes it challenging not to feel apathetic/indifferent about every goal I've set), so I need God to strengthen my spirit and give me endurance and grace and wisdom for the road He sees clearly ahead of me where I only see the thick fog!!
Having said all that, the 14-mile jog this weekend felt like such a metaphor for all that I'm wrestling with internally. It was hella foggy when I got out there that morning, and much brighter and clearer by the time I left. I was feeling weak and tired in the beginning, and strong and proud in the end! (And physically exhausted.) It was cold outside the entire time, but I felt better as I warmed up internally. I spent 14 miles feeding my soul encouragement and truth - and my mind, body, soul, and spirit felt better for it! It was a strong reminder for me to be more intentional about what I am putting into my mind, body, soul, and spirit... to encourage myself in the Lord and to focus on what I want to see growing in my life. "So even when it gets tough, I'm gonna keep my head up 'cause I feel like God has shined a light on me!"
And that concludes my halftime pep talk. ;-)
Ten weeks of marathon training down; ten weeks to go.
God is with me and for me.
I can do hard things.
BRING IT!
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